Fifty Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

September 4, 2008

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men cant just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you dont, its your own fault when hes snoozing and youre all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. Its a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, its not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isnt unreasonable, but when its time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, thats nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If youre not willing to do that, dont expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but Im pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why hes pushing, skippy? Because you arent doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues hes given you. Pay attention to the signals that hes sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. Hes about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people dont want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and cant shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. Thats as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because youre ragging. He didnt do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because hes hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while youre having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like I stubbed my toe I ran up the steps or I was putting up drywall.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If youre sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and its just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldnt be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldnt be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because its not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isnt acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like its an invitation, dont look surprised when he accidentally sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isnt always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didnt suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when youre riding him. Its your body, youre used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partners hand when hes touching you. Dont like the way hes doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesnt. Its your choice to stop, but dont look all fucking surprised when hes confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So youre a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesnt make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. Its not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just dont ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesnt want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. Id hate to be the bearer of bad news, but youre not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of making love. Youre not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually its hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. Its how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3-some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. Youre having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows hes the best youve had, even if he isnt.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Dont. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks hes doing everything right. And if he doesnt know its not working, hes not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you havent showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I dont care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. Theyll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, hes probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like it happens to every guy. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesnt, get off another way with him. Hes still capable of getting you off. Mumbling Forget it and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of was it good for you?. Now is not a good time to ask What this means. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

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