Defeat the Dread of Family Gatherings

September 7, 2008

As the holidays approach, many of us are scheduling family gatherings. Some parents joyfully anticipate the holidays and the positive family interactions that will create warm, loving memories. For many, the thought of being around negative, toxic family members brings a feeling of dread and doom.

This month and next, I’m offering helpful tips for managing the negative aspects of some family gatherings. Next, I’ll give tips for handling criticism and toxic, negative people.

Pressure Situations

When children misbehave, we often feel embarrassed and pressured to respond how others expect us to respond. If we give in, children learn they can get their way if they embarrass us in front of others. If we overreact and punish children, they feel confused and humiliated, which can lead to more misbehavior. Instead, we can excuse ourselves and talk to our children privately. Remember: always parent the same way, whether home or when away.

Unsolicited Advice

It sometimes seems that everyone, from grandparents to strangers, thinks parents need advice. Unfortunately, their advice may be inaccurate. Worse, if said in front of children, it sabotages our efforts and interferes with our parenting.

Avoid blindly accepting advice without checking its accuracy. Just because something works, it doesn’t mean it is healthy or brings positive long-term results. Screen advice by asking:

• Is this their opinion or based on research that proves it’s effective over time?

• Does this reflect their own power, control, or superiority issues?

• Is this advice based on fear or love?

• Is the philosophy positive and healthy?

• What does this teach children? Are there unhealthy hidden messages?

• Are they saying this is the only way or that there are choices?

• Is this a commonly accepted idea, but inaccurate, unhealthy, or unhelpful?

Ignore any advice that gets interferes with your parenting goals or reduces communication and mutual respect in your family.

Complaining

Being around complainers is difficult. Whether we join in or try to tune them out, sooner or later they drag us down. With Thanksgiving approaching, here are some helpful hints to keep in mind:
Rhonda Britten, author of Change your Life in 30 Days and Life Coach on Starting Over, the daytime reality television series, says, The reason people complain is to bond with others. The old saying, Misery loves company, is true! Complaining disempowers us, because we surrender our power to change what’s happening to us. If others validate our complaints, it just fuels the fire and our commitment to the problem.

Complaining is different from venting. When we vent, we approach someone who won’t worry about us or feed our negativity. We ask for a specific number of minutes to vent and tell the person we just want them to listen, without any advice. Then we express our feelings and quickly change the subject.

Instead of complaining:
1. Focus on solutions instead of the problem.

2. Turn the complaint into a statement of gratitude, for every situation brings a gift or opportunity — you just need to recognize it.
Many people think they are positive thinkers who always look at a glass as half-full instead of half-empty, but consider whether you would look at the following situations as positively as this:

I Am Thankful For...

-- The mess to clean up after a party, because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

-- The taxes I pay, because it means I am employed.

-- The clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.

-- A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need washing, and gutters that need cleaning, because it means I have a home.

-- My shadow who watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine.

-- The spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking.

-- All the complaining I hear about our government, because it means we have freedom of speech.

-- My large heating bill, because it means I am warm.

-- The lady behind me in church who sings off-key, because it means that I can hear.

-- The alarm that goes off early in the morning, because it means I am alive.

-- The piles of laundry and ironing, because it means my loved ones are nearby.

-- Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been productive.

Source: Unknown

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